The Body Whose Pants Fall Down
I know. I know. There are bigger problems in the world. There are probably bigger problems in my own little life space. But damn it, I’m exhausted at the end of each day, after all the pulling and tugging at my trousers to keep them covering my spongebob boxer shorts from showing.
My pants fall down.
ALL my pants fall down. My jeans fall down. My sweat pants fall down. I tighten my belt until my belly flops over my waist band, and so I can no longer breathe. No go. That works for a few minutes, and then down they go.
I’m old but I’m still fast. Still got the reflexes. So I’ve managed to avoid embarrassment and arrest so far. But only so far.
At Least I’m Not Alone
I’m not alone, apparently. A human rights activist met with the Croatian President.
By and large it wasn’t a good day for an award ceremony.
And, OK. I get that as we age our stomachs get bigger and our butts shrink. As one person on an internet forum said:
You can’t put a belt on an egg.
But it’s not just us old guys that have this problem.
That guy is young, fit, but struck down in his prime. Did he ever work again?
Suspenders is the obvious solution. Except I have a feeling my pants will end up perched up around my neck. And I’ll look like my grandfather’s grandfather. And they’ll be complicated for me to work properly.
Then there’s actually an invention to help: NoSaggs
NoSaggs (link) is a belt with an integrated ridge in the back, worn on the outside of your tucked shirt or undershirt.
The ridge sits right underneath your belt, and helps your pants stay up.
Similar to NoSaggs, once Magnetuck is attached to your shirt, it creates a bit of a ridge that your pants can sit on top of.
Men’s Padded Underwear
Here’s a fun idea:
Find some men’s underwear (briefs or boxer briefs) with pads in the backside to make your bum look more pronounced.
The extra padding in the butt area could also help keep your pants up (:
May wanna keep that idea idea in mind — you never know, you may not need a product to help your pants stay up!
Maybe It’s Just Old Age Setting In, And I’ll Have To Live With It
Somehow these “solutions” would make me feel less manly. Lord knows that I may soon be in the market for a manziere. That’s bad enough.
When I was younger I was very athletic. I ran laps, not once having to pull up my shorts. I played tennis without fear of a wardrobe malfunction. I could MOVE. RUN. DANCE (except I never learned to move my feet).
Now I’m just a shell of a man.
I’m afraid to get up out of this chair for fear of tripping on my pants going down the stairs, hitting my head on the bottom step, and forgetting who I am. It could happen.
Just a shell. But at least now I know that I’m not the only one.